Crossing our fingers and hoping our children don’t get into trouble isn’t the solution to educational reform of discipline practices. These five questions will help start the conversation.

#1 What are your school rules?

Research in education and developing brains is clear; No/Don’t rules aren’t effective in deterring undesired behaviors. We know that we need to teach, model, and show children what we want them to do, give them a chance to practice it in context, then give them feedback when they do it well.  When we ask this question we are looking for three to five simple, positively stated rules. Common examples are, I am safe, I am respectful, and I am responsible. You should be able to ask what it looks like and sounds like for your child to meet these expectations and ideally your child can tell you and show you. Beware of No/Don’t Rules and “Codes of Conduct”. These are outdated and do not teach your child prosocial behaviors to get along with others in school. If the rules are written that way, chances are adults are also speaking that same language which has an overall negative effect on learning and skill development. 

#2 How are school rules (expectations) and social skills taught to children in the school?

This question drives at the proactive systems the school has in place to teach the expectations in the school and the level of commitment the school has to preventative discipline. Remember, we are seeing prevention as a form of discipline and if schools are following the research, they are spending most of their energy on preventive discipline practices. This means they have developed systems (lesson plans) to teach the desired behaviors across all settings of the school (classroom, playground, hallway, lunchroom, etc). Ideally, schools should also have invested in a social skills building program that is integrated into the curriculum at some point each week. There are many options available and they teach students, usually through real life scenarios, things like how to manage emotions, collaboratively play and ask for help when then need it. 

#3 What happens if my child gets sent to the principal’s office?

This process should never be a secret. The Assistant Principal or Principal should have a consistent protocol for what happens when a child is referred to the office and should be able to explain it clearly to you. Things you are looking to hear around this question are protocols for teaching empathy and conflict resolution with a focus on skill building. What we are not looking for are rehearsed apologies or conversations that are shame based and ask the kid to say what they will do differently next time, particularly if it is a, “Next time I won’t hit” type of apology.  We are looking for a process that allows your child to be heard, and helps your child practice empathy and perspective taking, and then gives room for genuine repair. This might look like an apology plus a plan, meaning your child may apologize for hitting another student but would also work with the Assistant Principal to identify why they hit and what strategy or skill they will employ the next time they feel that way. When the Assistant Principal calls you, it should be a strengths based conversation grounded in a growth mindset. The underlying assumptions should always be that kids make mistakes, it is how they learn, and from each mistake grows a new opportunity to practice a skill and with that an opportunity for school leadership to find strengths in your child through the resolution of the conflict. 

#4 What role does consent play in teaching behavior expectations?

I am going to be bold here and say that your child does not have to play with another child; nor do all children need to be friends. Consent starts at birth and no child ever has to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. This includes not being forced to play with another child on the playground as much as it includes not hugging Aunt Marge at the family reunion. That being said, kindness also starts at birth and explicitly teaching self advocacy while also being kind is the goal. An example is, “No thank you, I would like to play alone today.” Asking your child’s school about how self advocacy and healthy boundaries are supported and taught will help give you an idea how how to use common language and expectations at home and in playdates. 

#5 What does your discipline data say about the schools progress and development on defeating the institutional racism?

Yes, this is going to be an uncomfortable conversation. Let’s take a minute and analyze how important this question is. It does not matter what race your child is, this question in critical in moving schools forward. We have a strong national trend indicating that children of color (boys in particular) are disproportionately referred to the office for discipline reasons. According to the Department of Education’s website, black students are suspended and expelled from school at a rate three times greater than white students. Elementary schools are the ugly beginning of where we socialize white children to stay silent about these disparities. It is not okay to normalize the idea that black students are three times more likely to get in trouble, be violent, or have issues in school. Schools have a long history of segregation and exclusion yet despite this when schools start to take data on race and office referrals, the staff often find the conclusions shocking. I urge you to ask your school what the data says and ask what the school is doing to change it. Answers should start with the alignment with the positive and proactive discipline systems discussed above but should also include staff training on anti racism, plans to decolonize print resources in the library and classrooms, and regular review of data to ensure they are making gains in all these areas.  This question is uncomfortable because it is asking schools to look inward at the institutional systems of oppression and look inward at their own personal practices. We have a responsibility to be courageous for all kids, even when it is uncomfortable.