Ms. Sirois by day

Reflecting inward in our darkest moment is the most courageous gift we can give another person.

I’m an Assistant Principal in an elementary school which means that my primary job is discipline. My main role is to create order from chaos with 450 small people between the ages of four and ten. But in truth I spend most of my day helping our young learners open their hearts and develop compassion. 

I am not sure when I got obsessed with discipline, but it was sometime around this one fateful day when I came home from 7th grade to find my father, who had been a Corrections Administrator for nearly thirty years, sitting on my bed trying to tie my socks together. He had meticulously laid out various types of socks, ski socks, knee highs, and short ankle socks. Immediately eliminating the longer ones, he was very focused in attempting to tie together numerous ankle socks. “Dad, whatcha doin’?” 

“Well Buddy, we’ve got a women in solitary who is hell bent on killing herself so we have taken everything away from her. She’s got no blanket, no bed, nothing. I’m keeping her safe, but her feet are cold. I’d really like to give her some socks so I’m trying to see if these short socks can be tied together to make a noose.”

Just like that. As if sitting on your thirteen year old daughter’s bed trying to see if her running socks are a suicide threat is the most normal thing in the world. It struck me that years ago, the woman he was talking about was a thirteen year old girl just like me. I wondered what had happened in her life. I’d make up stories in my head about where things went wrong for her, what twist in the road got her to the darkest of places. 

In my role as an Assistant Principal, I work with many students with heartbreaking stories of trauma, abuse and neglect. I also work with students whose families are affluent and privileged. All of the students I work with want to feel loved, supported and safe. I love my job, because I get to be there and hold space when kids are having their  worst moment. I’m the one they call when a child can not regain control. I have the honor of being there in the darkest moments.

I carry inside me that woman in solitary confinement all those years ago. I choose every day to be present for pain and dark moments big and small by holding my own pain and darkness in partnership with my students. Through this journey I have learned that discipline is not about managing children but instead exploring my own darkness and being honest with myself about my role in creating a safe environment. The learners have taught me only way to grow is to courageously look inward. I’m grateful for their lessons. Here are some of the reflections.